


I'm sorry too

by orphan_account



Series: And living in my head is just too much anymore [1]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Cashton is just barely mentioned, Depression, I'm so fucking sorry for this, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-30
Updated: 2015-11-30
Packaged: 2018-05-04 04:17:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5320166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Calum was fine.</p><p>Except maybe for the hole in his chest. The big hollow area where he can remember his emotions existing not too long ago. He didn't know when they had disappeared though so he just rolled with it.</p><p>There was also that voice. The one that had sprung up in the back of his mind shortly after he had realized that he maybe sort of kinda liked boys, particularly Ashton. But the voice had existed longer than the hole so he was fine with that too. It was normal. He agreed with everything it said anyways so why should it be a problem? I mean its better to just have everything out in the open that try to hide it from one's self isn't it?</p><p>Maybe Calum isn't fine exactly.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm sorry too

**Author's Note:**

> I'm really sorry for even writing this. It's two in the morning and I'm in a bad place and this was my way of keeping myself from doing something stupid. I figured since its one of the more ok things I've writen I'd post it and see if anyone likes it. So... here you go i guess

Calum was fine.

Except maybe for the hole in his chest. The big hollow area where he can remember his emotions existing not too long ago. He didn't know when they had disappeared though so he just rolled with it.

There was also that voice. The one that had sprung up in the back of his mind shortly after he had realized that he maybe sort of kinda liked boys, particularly Ashton. But the voice had existed longer than the hole so he was fine with that too. It was normal. He agreed with everything it said anyways so why should it be a problem? I mean it's better to just have everything out in the open that try to hide it from one's self isn't it?

Ashton. Ashton was Calum's only real problem to tell you the truth. But the voice was always there to remind him. That he was stupid. That liking boys made him stupid and wrong. That liking Ashton was even worse because Ashton was his friend, and why the fuck would he want to screw up that relationship because he was disgusting?

Calum thinks Ashton might have caught on though. Why else would he be avoiding him? Why else would he be flat out refusing to room with Calum when he had never had a problem with it before? That was okay too though, because the hole was there now and Ashton's blatant disgust couldn't touch him anymore.

The only problem with that was that nothing else could touch him either. Preforming didn't make him happy anymore. Songwriting was impossible because how can you convey an emotion you can no longer feel? He would play FIFA with Luke and go through the motions of gloating when he won but there was no joy behind his actions. Calum thinks that Luke must have caught on and that's why he never asks him to play anymore.

Maybe Calum isn't fine exactly.

Calum barely feels alive anymore. It's like his heart has stopped beating and his brain has all but shut down leaving his body to continue on autopilot. Maybe there's a reason he went offline. Maybe he was supposed to die months ago and his body never got the message. The voice likes that idea so Calum assumes it must be correct.

Maybe that's why, once again, Calum finds himself on the roof of their hotel at 4:37 in the morning. it's freezing and all he's wearing is a pair of pajama pants but he can't feel the cold. it's feels like the hole is spreading to his senses, stopping any sort of feeling, physical or emotional, from touching him in any way at all.

He has no idea what city they're in anymore, hasn't been able to distinguish them for a long time. Honestly Calum barely knows what country they're in. It doesn't matter anyways. They'll just ship his body back to Australia afterwards so does it really matter what country he dies in?

Calum checks his phone, 4:43.

He has 12 minutes to decide if hes going to do this today or if he's going to go back to the room and crawl into his bed just in time for Ashton to come “wake” him for bus call. it's a choice he's been having to make for at least a month now, maybe two. He got as far as stepping up to the edge and leaning out as far as he could without falling sometime last week but he hasn't been that close since.

He checks his phone again, 4:49.

There's still time. He can finish it before Luke and Ashton's alarm goes off. Be dead before either of them wake up.

No.

At least, not tonight.

Slowly he makes his way back down the access stairs and down the hall to the elevator. It takes longer than he expected to arrive so on his way back to the room he buys a soda from the vending machine with one of the bills he keeps hidden in the back of his phone case for emergencies, so that he can have an excuse for being awake if he doesn't make it back to the room before Ashton barges in to wake up him and Mikey.

Calum makes it back first but he can hear the other two's alarm through the wall and decides that pretending to sleep isn't worth the time.

Not two minutes later the door bursts open and Ashton appears, looking tired and adorable with his hair extra curly and going in every direction. The voice shuts that train of thought down quickly reminding Calum's sleep deprived brain of everything that's wrong with him for even thinking that.

Ashton stills suddenly when he sees Calum sitting up with an open soda in his hand. For a second he looks like he has no idea what to do, standing still in the middle of the room, door still open behind him. He stays there for a good solid minute. Calum counts it in his head praying for Ashton to move on, wake Mike up and leave.

Eventually Ashton shakes his head as if trying to shake water from his hair and moves to the side of Michael's bed. Calum tunes out at that point, knowing Ashton won't interact with him since he's awake. He continues sipping at the soda he bought barely processing the fact that it's sprite which he used to hate with an undying passion.

After a minute or two Mike is sitting up in bed grumbling about early morning bus call's and Ashton is standing there staring at Calum as if he wants to say something, after a moment though something flashes through his eyes and he frowns before leaving the room and closing the door behind him. Mike throws off his blanket and after throwing a glance Calum's way disappears into the bathroom and locks the door.

The rest of the day proceeds as usual and Calum allows himself to wonder at what the look that passed through Ashton's eyes that morning was. Eventually with some help from the voice he settles upon revulsion and allows himself to be swept along from place to place by management and Luke who seems to have drawn the short straw and is tasked with being the person required to put up with Calum's presence for the day. Usually Michael's the one to end up with that job but today he seems almost as dead on his feet as Calum usually is and has recruited Ashton to help him through the day.

Calum can't remember the last time Ashton was the one to help him.

To be honest Calum can barely remember the last time Ashton _spoke_ to him. He knows it was at least two months ago, disregarding public interaction because Ashton is required to talk to him during shows and interviews. That's better though because it gives him less things to feel hollow over. Less things to remind him that he's dead and should really shut his body down soon because he's just a shell of the old him and a burden on everyone else.

Things differ from the norm at approximately 11:03.

Everyone is in the car on the way to that night's hotel and Michael and Luke are nearly asleep on each other in the middle row. Calum is in the back and much to his surprise Ashton is sitting in the seat next to him. They're about two block's away when Mike mumble's fairly loudly that he want's to room with Ashton that night.

Ashton says no.

Then he turns to Calum and asks if he want's to room with him that night.

Luke jumps so high he bumps his head on the ceiling. Calum is certain that if this had happened in the month or two when Ashton had first started avoiding him, before the hole had come into existence, he might have had a similar reaction. As it stands all he did was look into Ashton's eyes for a second longer than necessary before nodding his head slowly while the other two's stares burned a hole into the side of his head.

The tension in the car is extremely obvious after that.

When they arrived at the hotel 4 long minutes later Luke and Michael exploded from the car like bullets from a gun, Ashton quick on their heels. Calum slowly pulled himself over the middle seat's and exited the car with a nod at the driver before heading into the lobby where the other three had already divided up the rooms.

They all stood there for a minute before Mike grabbed Luke's hand and pulled him nervously towards the elevator. Calum made his way in the direction of the stairs. Ashton looked anxiously after him before joining Luke and Michael in the elevator.

Calum didn't go to the room.

Instead he made his way up to the roof and sat on the edge, pulling a lighter and his pack out of his pocket. Moving slowly, mechanically Calum removed a cigarette from the pack and lit it before replacing both to their original position. He took a long drag and held the smoke in for as long as possible, imagining it swirling around and filling up the empty space before exhaling slowly, leaving the hole empty again.

It took him nearly twenty minutes to finish the cigarette.

Afterwards Calum made his way back down to the room. Ashton was in the bed closest to the door, chewing his lip and reading a book. He looked up the moment Calum entered the room and opened his mouth as if to say something. Before he could get any words out though Calum pulled out his pack and shook it in Ashton's direction before placing it, the lighter and his phone on the table in the corner of the room.

Slowly he made his way across the room to his suitcase and pulled out the same pair of pajama pants he had worn last night. Ashton snorted and Calum sent a glare in his direction before changing quickly and laying down on the other bed, facing the wall. He didn't bother with the blanket. He knew he'd be getting up in an hour or so to go stand on the roof all night deciding whether or not he was going to jump off.

The only sound in the room for a while was the turning of pages from Ashton's side of the room.

After maybe 15 minutes Ashton broke the silence.

“Calum?”

The word hung heavy in the air for a long time. The rustling of pages had stopped and it was dead silent. Calum didn't react. He stayed as still as possible and kept his breathing as calm and sleep-like as possible. Ashton sighed.

“I'm sorry Calum.”

Three more words.

They hung in the air for less time than the first, ringing for only a few minutes before Ashton placed his book to the side and turned off the light.

Calum listened and waited for Ashton's breathing to settle into the calm slow pattern of sleep before slipping off of his bed and making his way carefully to the door, scooping his phone up from the table on the way.

The moment his feet touched the roof Calum couldn't breathe.

Everything was wrong.

He still couldn't feel anything but his chest felt tight like something was wrong and his vision was starting to tunnel. Calum knew that he should be glad that Ashton didn't hate him anymore but that made it worse. The voice was yelling and he could feel the hole growing consuming everything that was left inside him as he stumbled to the edge of the building.

Tonight.

He didn't even have to think about it he just knew.

It was tonight.

With the last remaining sliver of himself Calum paused with his toes off the edge and pulled out his phone to compose a text.

**To: Ashton**

**I'm sorry too**

Hands shaking, he pressed send.

And then he threw his phone behind him,

Spread his arms,

And Jumped.


End file.
